Features Hyde of L'arc en Ciel, one of my biggest (and longest) obssessions. Lyrics are from one of L'arc en Ciel's songs, "Still I'm With You". Image was tweaked with Adobe Photoshop 7and downloaded brushes from Vered and Unknown. Entire blog was coded with Notepad. Read the . It's a must.
Unfaithful Heart, Rebel, Porsuite de la Lune, I'll Say Goodbye to Love, Romansa, By the Lagoon, Someone Else's Story, Don't Let Me Break Apart, As the Rain Falls
And thus began another empty morning. Another one of those times where she'd be staring into space, contemplating on "what ifs" and "if onlys".
From her place on the chair, she continued to watch him, her dark brown, fastidious eyes fixed on the corded muscles of his arms and the strength of his back as he bent over his open duffel bag once again to sort out clothes, her toes curling up beneath the feet of her cotton pajamas, legs drawn up to her chest in a protective position.
I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
There was no sign of hesitation in the way he went about, his socked feet padding softly on the carpeted floor of the room.
The room that they used to share.
The room that they would no longer share now that he was leaving.
Silence continued to loom over them, louder than ever. From the open bathroom door, droplets from a leaking pipe fell to the tiles with soft plinks, though to her, they sounded louder than a pin dropped in a soundproof room.
He never even stopped - didn't even stop - to look back at her even as she shifted - a bit uneasily now - on the chair. Her heart ached a little that he didn't even attempt to make small talk, but then again, that was how he was. He was never one for things like that.
He moved around like he had a purpose, ultimately focused on some unseen goal ahead.
Time and time again
The chance for love has passed me by
This wasn't the first time someone had left her. There were others before him, some with no faces, some with no names...some had come and gone in the blink of an eye, others she thought would stay, but she was always wrong...
She had lost count of the men...the women...did it even matter anymore?
No, she told herself. It would never matter.
She was always too strong for any of them to think of staying. Her control over her life was something they could never understand or hope to understand.
And all I know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it
His eyes were as ordinary as hers. The same dark brown, deep-set and balanced by level eyebrows. She remembered reading somewhere that men with his features showed a lot of intolerance for fools. But when she looked close enough into them, they were flecked here and there with amber, burning with a fierce intensity as they evenly held her gaze - and GOD, if she weren't so smitten by the way they bore into her, as if trying to search for the missing pieces to the puzzle of her soul.
He had hawklike features, what with the way his eyebrows seemed to meet over a straight nose when he scowled. His features were rather elongated, his cheekbones high and sculpted like that of Michaelangelo's David. Even if he hardly ever smiled, his lips always seemed like somewhere between a sneer and a smirk - a rather deadly combination in her eyes and that of others. His jawline was strong, balancing his face perfectly...so perfectly in fact that he had this uncanny ability to turn straight men gay and lesbian women straight. He would have been a candidate for GQ if it weren't for the scars...
His body and his face was full of them, some from so far back that he could not remember anymore, some were the results of the life he used to lead. It frightened her at first that someone like him could have led such a dangerous past, but after a while, she had come to accept that part of him.
So I've made up my mind if I must live my life alone
I know it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
It would have been a beautiful relationship, but he longed to go back to the streets, saying that he would never be totally free of his past and that he'd always live to fight.
"So what are you fighting for?" She had screamed at him one dreary morning when she found him sitting by the bathtub, binding a deep gash in his arm. "What the hell are you trying to do to yourself and us?"
A small sigh came from his parted lips as he stood up with some difficulty, ignoring the blood that trailed down his arm and fell to the tiled floor. Already the wound had opened up and though he was trying to hide it, she saw the flicker of pain in his dark eyes. "Would you understand my reasons?"
She hesitated, swallowing the bile in her throat when she realized that she still didn't have any idea about who he really was. "I would try..."
"I guess this relationship was doomed from the start..." he whispered, staggering past her and out the door to get his gun.
I'd say goodbye to love
There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Had he actually been right from the start?
Or was he just preempting failure on his part just to make her feel better?
She knew she should have been crying her eyes out by now, but she suddenly realized that she felt nothing THAT strong. The only thing she felt was a sort of resignation...
Suddenly, he was standing in front, looking down at her as he swiftly dressed, nimble fingers buttoning up his favorite black longsleeved shirt - the one that she had given to him five months ago when things had been different...
His voice was cold...colder than ice and devoid of any emotion. "I'm leaving my gun here for you. Use it as you deem necessary." He stopped when she gave a half-shrug. "You remember what I taught you, right?"
"Everything," she replied, meeting his gaze coolly.
Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And I'll find that there is someone to believe in and to live for
Something I could live for
In a flash he had hauled her off the couch and had a deathlike grip on her small wrists. Suddenly she was afraid of him, afraid of the way his eyes flashed angrily at her, his lips drawn in a terse, thin line.
"Don't. Try. Sarcasm. With. Me," he bit out through clenched teeth. "I have my reasons for doing this so DON'T start."
Struggling was futile, so she remained perfectly still, her eyes drawing in his features with the same fascination as when they first met, marvelling at how his jaw worked, his temperament hovering near uncontrollable and yet not quite there.
"I know what your reasons are, even if you don't tell me...And I think you already knew that I'd never tie you down..."
All the years of useless searching finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my only friend
He slowly released her, dropping his hands to his sides as he continued to stare down at her. "I know...and I'll always be grateful for that," he replied, his voice softening. "But we can't be together."
She nodded slowly, mutely, as he resumed packing his belongings. 'No...we can't be together...'
It was the initial thrill she felt from having a relationship with a man as dangerous as he was that made her want him to stay. And then there was the fact that she wanted to be stronger and he was the only one who agreed to teach her.
She had never really felt love. Not once in her life. Oh, her family had tried to reach her, had tried to give her love as a child, but even then she had felt closed off, alone and unwanted. And no matter how much she forced herself to love them back, she felt it would all be a lie...
As she grew older, there were others who came into her life and she tried hard to learn to love them, but it was always the same. They would eventually grow tired of trying to reach into her and then they'd leave.
He had stayed the longest in her life.
And now he was leaving...but not for her.
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can
She knew she wasn't a machine of some sort, but she couldn't understand why it was so hard for her to really and truly love someone. She wasn't scared of anything. Not being alone. Not taking risks.
Certainly not of love.
What lies in the future is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that I've been wrong
But for now this is my song
Slowly the closet was emptied... drawers were pulled open and the pile of clothes on the bed diminished until there was nothing left sitting on it, except for a few telltale wrinkles on the sheets.
I have NOT updated and I feel mighty bad... ;_; Anyway, here's something I think might cheer people up...
Snippet from my new fic "As the Rain Falls" (AU Eriol x Tomoyo fic...YES, I have decided! ^^ )
"I love you, Daidouji," Eriol said with some difficulty.
He sounded almost constipated to her. Either that or he had something in his mouth that he was finding extremely difficult to swallow.
Tomoyo shook her head sadly and sighed. "No, Hiiragizawa, you don't. You're just awfully familiar with me."
She would have loved to believe that fairytales did come true, but in this day and age AND at HER age of twenty-five she was already as jaded as everyone else was. So was Hiiragizawa. Which was exactly why she would never believe him. Besides, even if they were dancing around each other in circles, she knew he would never give in and she wasn't about to, either. It was a game they played...whether unwillingly because of circumstances or they were just masochists.
Yes, he was familiar with her. How could he not be when they had sex almost everyday? She was his personal assistant, not just in the office, but in his bed. She didn't have his heart. Not one bit of it. How could she when there was none? He was cold, calm and businesslike...
And arrogant. Don't forget arrogant.
'Not to mention he has a way with words,' she thought ruefully as she gathered the last of her things and placed them neatly in the cardboard box on her desk.
He made no motion to help her even as she struggled with it in her arms while trying to open the door. She shut her eyes as a numb feeling spread through her, the realization that this would be the last time she'd ever see him again hitting her like ice water splashed on her face. As soon as she stepped out of her office, she would have nothing more to do with him...
"I can't live without you, Daidouji..."
Tomoyo made no move to turn around and reply to him. She just shrugged her shoulders awkwardly and walked out of the office, tears burning her eyes as she headed to the elevator and out of his life...
Snippet for 'As the Rain Falls'...unknown fanfic category as of yet
Dark thunderclouds were starting to form overhead, covering the sun that was fast bleeding into the horizon and giving way to evening. She sat on a park bench, a lonely figure contrasting starkly against the hues of pink, red, and orange. Around her, people hurried home, some muttering desperately under their breaths a swift prayer to the sky that it would not rain until they got home, others bringing their umbrellas out just in case it suddenly poured. Nobody wanted to get caught in the rain.
Except her.
She chose to welcome the rain...
She lifted her face heavenwards, her dark eyes focusing on the nimbus clouds that were starting to swirl furiously, as huge thunderclaps sounded and bolts of lightning flashed from a hundred kilometers away.
'Why am I here?'
It started as a slight drizzle, one she could barefly feel. Then it got stronger until she felt heavy drops pelt down on her skin, almost bruising it in its tenderness. Already, red marks were forming, ugly against her skin's pallor.
Still, she sat there, not wanting to move, as a numbing cold spread through her system.
'Why am I here?'
The ache she felt in her chest grew and she stood up, keeping her face lifted up to the sky as the rain continued to drench her. She was waiting for something she did not know of...she was sitting on a park bench without any inkling as to why she was there...
. It's a must.